Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
