I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I take back everything I said about communal showers
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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