On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm too high and old for this...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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