You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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