Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
