You're earring is so big in my mouth
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
