Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
