My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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