You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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