That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
4 words: hood of his car
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
