My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
