Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
