my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
