He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
