Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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