Someone shit on the floor
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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