Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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