I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
