My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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