The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
