Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
