I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Fuck me I smell like cheese
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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