I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
