so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Randomize
