I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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