new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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