Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Found your dick twin last night
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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