I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
