i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
