Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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