i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
