I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
