First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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