We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
