i was rollin on her like bob the builder
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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