If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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