Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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