im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
