If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
