By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
