i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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