Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Randomize
