My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
