Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Randomize
