Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
