I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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