I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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