You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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