if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
