rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
